Saturday, August 06, 2005

Oh hello. Now I never did tell you who I am or why I'm writing this blog did I? I think the answer to both may surprise you. And possibly arouse you. But first let me tell you a sad, shocking story about a young boy called Alice living in the beautiful town of Grimsby.

Now this young boy was perfectly normal, and perfectly happy living with his parents in his big house, with his big bedroom, and big television. And big penis. Yes, Richard, he was a very happy boy indeed. Happy as a fox up a tree reserved for happy foxes who just want to 'hang out' in trees and gain great happiness from doing so.

Now Alice. Alice? Oh yes, Alice.

Alice liked his pranks. He was a real pranker. He'd prank when he got home from school, he'd prank in the shower, and he'd prank late at night under his covers.

But he didn't really enjoy it. If you asked him, he'd tell you he only really did it so someone could do a cheap prank / masturbation joke some years down the line.

So what did he want to do? Well that doesn't really matter, he was really very ugly and so no one really cared or bothered to ask him. He was also very, very fat.

And he was ginger as well. Ginger with very pale skin and lots of freckles. And no teeth, he didn't have any teeth. He'd lost all his teeth in a freak mining accident during a visit to Sainsburys. And now he's dead.

Some might have said it was unlucky, but luck relies on belief in fate, and I don't believe in fate, Daddy.

"No Daddy! Please don't hit me, I bought them myself with my money, I didn't steal them honest!"

Sorry, I got a bit sidetracked there. Where were we? Fate? What spelling, fate, or fete?

We had a school fete once and it was hilarious, one of the teachers started arguing with one of the parents. It seemed that the parent in question wasn't best pleased with some of the disciplinary techniques used by the teacher in question, and had taken it to him during the school fete. And when I say taken it to him, 'it' refers to his fist, and 'him', the teacher's face. And 'taken', punched. So in summary, he'd "punched" "fist" to "the teacher's face". He'd punched the teacher. Or more simply put, he'd punched his fist right up the teacher's fat face.

It was somewhat unlucky for the violent parent, that the teacher had recently acquired a guild of ninja's. Summoning them at that moment, within 4 seconds the parent had been 'clothes-lined' and elbow-dropped (in one smooth motion), before being tossed in* front of a passing land rover.

*off, in

posted by Dogmonkey @ 6:00 pm 0 comments

Friday, August 05, 2005

Hello yes. Hello yes, indeed. Who am I, you ask? Oh, you don't want to ask that, well what do you want to ask? If I know any jokes about the weather? Well, ok then. I know a few, I'm sorry if you've heard them all before.

Q) Why is summer always welcome but never as good as you're hoping it will be?

A) It's named after the popular actor, Tom Summer Cruise, who shares the same attributes of being welcome but only ever fair to middling!!! (This applies to all years, except for that one good year, nineteen-nighty magnolia.)

Q) Why is it really cold in winter?

A) The angle and position of the earth in relation to the sun means colder weather. Also, you're dying from pneumonia!!!!

Q) How come all snowflakes are different?

A) They want to stand out a bit man!!!!

Q) What's your favourite season, and for what reason?

A) Spring!!!!!

Q) What month do these crisps go out of date?

A) October! Or more specifically, the 22nd! Make sure you don't eat them after, you might get ill!!!!

posted by Dogmonkey @ 11:13 pm 0 comments