Film Script: The Village 2
Johnious and Sarcious, two peasants from 'The village' are enjoying a stroll near the woods of Methcascarthboroughshireston. The setting is that of an old lovely village, where the people lead rich lives, set in their ways.
Johnious: What a lovely village we have here, we are able to have rich lives indeed, set in our ways.
Sarcious: Thanks for telling me that, I didn't know that.
Johnious: It sure is a shame about those zombie chickens that violently rape us on Tuesday nights, though, isn't it?
Sarcious: Thanks for re-iterating that, I didn't notice them thrusting my anus.
Johnious: Hey, maybe they're from that large building over there! With the words 'PC World' emblazened across its front! I never looked that way before!
int. PC World. They approach a salesman.
Salesman: Can I help you?
Sarcious: No, we approached you merely to stand motionless and gaze upon your beautiful face. We in no way wish to communicate.
Johnious: Where are you hiding the chickens!?
Salesman: The Super Zombie Rape Chicken Slut 47 is a recent upgrade, it is currently being tested on some tramps we signed up last week and put in a pen. You are said tramps.
Johnious: And all these years I thought we were in an old lovely village, set in its ways. With zombie chickens.
Salesman: You've been there a week. You volunteered to do it. You even asked us to increase the power of the chickens for your pleasure.
Johnious: All these years...
Dogmonkey (Blog)
Friday, February 17, 2006
I forgot! Football can be well cool!
It's dead good man, when you get those thugs, with the names like Rodney Rotter and Big Arse Tony, and they go round fighting! It's just like Street Fighter, but they're actually on streets! And we're not talking Street Fighter 1, this is one of the later Street Fighters! It's WICKED, when they start stabbing each other up, just like Street Fighter (2) but more realistic! Don't get too close though, use binoculars matey! You don't want to get stabbed! I got stabbed once, right in the face! By my plastic surgeon that is! Haha! (I don't have plastic surgery)
No but once right, there was this fight going on, and one of the thugs opened this big box of knives, then he threw one of the knives! And it went really close to someones head! Actually that might have been an episode of Lost!
It's dead good man, when you get those thugs, with the names like Rodney Rotter and Big Arse Tony, and they go round fighting! It's just like Street Fighter, but they're actually on streets! And we're not talking Street Fighter 1, this is one of the later Street Fighters! It's WICKED, when they start stabbing each other up, just like Street Fighter (2) but more realistic! Don't get too close though, use binoculars matey! You don't want to get stabbed! I got stabbed once, right in the face! By my plastic surgeon that is! Haha! (I don't have plastic surgery)
No but once right, there was this fight going on, and one of the thugs opened this big box of knives, then he threw one of the knives! And it went really close to someones head! Actually that might have been an episode of Lost!
Let's DISRESPEC' football! Or footgay as I call it! Haha! (Gayball? Gayballs?)
Penis!
Football though, let's take a balanced look at it.
Good things about football:
Players bend over while they are 'warming up' - good for the gays
Aggravated group rape on women
Jason Lee - pineapple head ROFMON
Referees getting pushed over every 50 years or so
Bad things about football:
Every single person involved in football has an IQ less than 70.
Typical football conversation:
"It was a game of two halves."
"Liquid football."
"[Cliche #43]"
"At the end of the day, that's something open to debate."
"Did you just say masturbate? Do you want to masturbate me?"
"No I didn't, but OK then."
"Let's be gay!"
You know the commentary you get on games like Pro Evo or FIFA? That's actually less cliche ridden and less repetitive than real life commentary.
No but really now, what was that cartoon with the football team who were always seven nil down at half time, and during the match they always had to save the world ("I don't CARE how much DANGER the whole WORLD is in, we aren't STOPPING this MATCH!"), usually at the same time. And there was that black guy who never wore boots. Scored about 3 goals in every match yet they still didn't buy the poor guy a pair of boots. What was his name again? I can't remember his name, let's call him Pedro. Well they were all like "Hey Pedro, what's that, your feet are in immense pain due to you not wearing boots? Yeah whatever, get back to the stables!" That line may or may not have been in the cartoon. What was I talking about again? Yeah well anyway, my point is, they were all like "Hey Pedro, would you like to join us at the table for this team meal? We'd really like you to join us...NOT!" And then they'd all throw the fat from their pork chops at him and he'd be on all fours and have to eat it.
No, but if football was like that in real life it'd be more interesting. "Hey Joe Cole, we're taking you off, the opposing teams manager is driving a explosives packed train towards the school! Never mind that there's no train tracks anywhere near the school, STOP THAT TRAIN!" And then they'd film it, and intersperse it with the football when it got dull. Which is pretty much always. Yeah, they should just film various football players solving crimes using words of no more than two syllables by kicking footballs at things. Soccer Kid solved his problems that way, why not real life players? Yeah, forget the football. Well, maybe a penalty shootout over the credits.
Penis!
Football though, let's take a balanced look at it.
Good things about football:
Players bend over while they are 'warming up' - good for the gays
Aggravated group rape on women
Jason Lee - pineapple head ROFMON
Referees getting pushed over every 50 years or so
Bad things about football:
Every single person involved in football has an IQ less than 70.
Typical football conversation:
"It was a game of two halves."
"Liquid football."
"[Cliche #43]"
"At the end of the day, that's something open to debate."
"Did you just say masturbate? Do you want to masturbate me?"
"No I didn't, but OK then."
"Let's be gay!"
You know the commentary you get on games like Pro Evo or FIFA? That's actually less cliche ridden and less repetitive than real life commentary.
No but really now, what was that cartoon with the football team who were always seven nil down at half time, and during the match they always had to save the world ("I don't CARE how much DANGER the whole WORLD is in, we aren't STOPPING this MATCH!"), usually at the same time. And there was that black guy who never wore boots. Scored about 3 goals in every match yet they still didn't buy the poor guy a pair of boots. What was his name again? I can't remember his name, let's call him Pedro. Well they were all like "Hey Pedro, what's that, your feet are in immense pain due to you not wearing boots? Yeah whatever, get back to the stables!" That line may or may not have been in the cartoon. What was I talking about again? Yeah well anyway, my point is, they were all like "Hey Pedro, would you like to join us at the table for this team meal? We'd really like you to join us...NOT!" And then they'd all throw the fat from their pork chops at him and he'd be on all fours and have to eat it.
No, but if football was like that in real life it'd be more interesting. "Hey Joe Cole, we're taking you off, the opposing teams manager is driving a explosives packed train towards the school! Never mind that there's no train tracks anywhere near the school, STOP THAT TRAIN!" And then they'd film it, and intersperse it with the football when it got dull. Which is pretty much always. Yeah, they should just film various football players solving crimes using words of no more than two syllables by kicking footballs at things. Soccer Kid solved his problems that way, why not real life players? Yeah, forget the football. Well, maybe a penalty shootout over the credits.
Professional football has become the dullest thing in the world. It is so cliché ridden and characterless and sterile and just… dull.
Eating my tea today, my Dad insisted on having the radio on. On Radio Football, or Five Live, Or The Boring Gay Football Station, or whatever it’s called. They were discussing Gary Neville, and his celebration of a goal, by going to the other teams fans and cheering. They discussed this for OVER AN HOUR, or at least it seemed that long. I was literally eating my own arse I was so bored. Seriously, I was so bored I was considering going back in time and shooting the man who founded Sony, so that my Dad’s stereo would never get made. No but seriously now, I was considering just ending it all with some sort of massacre.
Gary Neville cheering at the opposing fans and kissing his badge. Hours of discussion. GRRR, MOTHER. This is the kind of thing which should be happening hundreds of times a game, like a film. Every football match should be like that football film with Sly Stallone and Pele in it. The one where Pele kicked a ball at a German man’s head and his head came off or something (may not have happened) What was it called? The Hurricanes? Yeah well, whatever it was, it was fun and exciting. And it didn’t cost 8000 euros and your firstborn’s life to get a ticket either. What happened in it again? They were about 48-0 down with 4 minutes left on the clock, then Jimmy Grimble comes on and scores 47 goals in two minutes before having a confidence lull because his special boots were burned by a passing wizard. Then with 10 seconds left he realizes it’s not his special boots that were eaten by a escaped boar that scored him them goals after all, but the memory of his Dad’s raping of him when he was younger. What were we talking about again?
Anyway, football is rubbish and dull and gay.
Eating my tea today, my Dad insisted on having the radio on. On Radio Football, or Five Live, Or The Boring Gay Football Station, or whatever it’s called. They were discussing Gary Neville, and his celebration of a goal, by going to the other teams fans and cheering. They discussed this for OVER AN HOUR, or at least it seemed that long. I was literally eating my own arse I was so bored. Seriously, I was so bored I was considering going back in time and shooting the man who founded Sony, so that my Dad’s stereo would never get made. No but seriously now, I was considering just ending it all with some sort of massacre.
Gary Neville cheering at the opposing fans and kissing his badge. Hours of discussion. GRRR, MOTHER. This is the kind of thing which should be happening hundreds of times a game, like a film. Every football match should be like that football film with Sly Stallone and Pele in it. The one where Pele kicked a ball at a German man’s head and his head came off or something (may not have happened) What was it called? The Hurricanes? Yeah well, whatever it was, it was fun and exciting. And it didn’t cost 8000 euros and your firstborn’s life to get a ticket either. What happened in it again? They were about 48-0 down with 4 minutes left on the clock, then Jimmy Grimble comes on and scores 47 goals in two minutes before having a confidence lull because his special boots were burned by a passing wizard. Then with 10 seconds left he realizes it’s not his special boots that were eaten by a escaped boar that scored him them goals after all, but the memory of his Dad’s raping of him when he was younger. What were we talking about again?
Anyway, football is rubbish and dull and gay.
Dogmonkey's blog
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